Almost Always

It's been three years since I've applied for a retail position, and somehow in that short amount of time the process has become more draining. A lot of corporations are going paperless, which gives me the eco-friendly warm fuzzies, but with the applications that I can complete from the comfort of my own laptop come the ridiculous personality tests.

I had to take one of these once before. When I was in high school, I applied for a position at a CD store (ask your parents) where my best friend worked, and the interview included one of these tests, which was administered over the phone by an automated voice kerjigger. I had to answer the questions as quickly as possible, so it was all knee-jerk reaction. Of course now, I can sit on my couch and spend the entire night second-guessing myself, stretching out a process that is supposed to take half an hour ad infinitum. On a related note: isn't the concept of taking half an hour to apply for a job, per job, pretty ridiculous? Is that just me?

The general format is multiple choice, with the choices ranging from "Never" to "Always," or "Strongly Disagree" to "Strongly Agree," with varying degrees in between (usually). The questions come in the form of statements, such as "You finish your work no matter what."*

Some of them, such as the one previously mentioned, make a lot of sense in the context of a retail sales job. It's pretty obvious that they want someone who is hard-working, courteous, and honest. However, there are some questions where I just can't discern what they're trying to figure out about me. “You would rather not get involved in other people's problems.” Okay, they're probably weeding out applicants who like to gossip at work and stir up drama. “Agree.” But wait a second... maybe they count looking for the graphic novels section as a problem. Maybe they're trying to see if I'm the kind of employee who would see a confused-looking customer and be proactive about helping them. Well, I'm not a callous jerk... “Disagree.” But there's nothing less professional than two sales associates standing around bitching about their personal lives to each other and ignoring you. “Agree.” But maybe... and so on. I'm lost, and it's cold in here.

Another frustrating aspect of these tests is the unspoken but highly implied quest for perfection. The questions dance the line between being so open-ended as to be interpreted in several different ways and leaving no room for middle ground. “You love to be with people.” Well shit, it depends on the people, doesn't it? But four radio buttons don't leave much room to fully explain my impressions and experiences dealing with people. So, potential employer, I always love to be with people. Whether at a SoHo gallery opening or Hell's Angels gangbang, I am the consummate social butterfly.

So my impression is that not only are they looking for someone who doesn't steal or lie, but also is never late, never complains or argues, always works at full capacity, and never shows any emotion beyond cheerful professionalism. Apparently to be qualified for a sales associate position, one has to be the Nietzschean ubermensch. Well, except that the ubermensch doesn't obey the outmoded social ethics that would require him to greet every customer with a friendly smile.

* I'm lifting these examples from an online application that I just filled out.